what a weird transition from last week to this one.  i’ve lost all motivation for school, already.  i hate it.  i dont want a psych major.  i want to finish my degree i spent 3 years working on, but i dont want to be a graphic designer.  i want to buy a new drum kit, but i should pay off my car loan.  i want to quit smoking weed.  i have the overwhelming desire to drink, a lot all of a sudden.  i haven’t self-medicated with alcohol like this since i lived with gabe.  

i often find myself going into my room and standing there.  as in just standing there.  doing nothing.  staring at my bed with my eyes out of focus, just thinking.  about nothing in particular, just this constant question of “what.”  ’what’ should i do right now, later, tomorrow, for school, for my life, musically.  

answers never come.  i took time today to just drive and think, that sort of thing never turns out well however.  i hate being left alone with my thoughts but get social anxiety easily unless i’m drunk or high.  

divorce has never affected me that i know of, but sometimes i wish my parents were together like most people i know.  my family dynamic is far from normal, and while i’m sure everyone’s is a little bit, mine just seems….weird, even to me and i’ve lived with it for almost 23 years.  my mom worries about me constantly i feel, and not like a normal parent does.  my dad is kind of just there.  he supports me but i feel our bond has faded over the years.

there are things i’d like to change about myself and my musical endeavors, but these changes suffer from lack of aforementioned motivation and a slight case of the “too late for thats.”  the time i spend alone is completely unproductive, and it feels like i’m wasting the final and best part of my youth.

basically, i’m constantly asking myself “what should i do?”  it never ends.

and venting these things did nothing.

on the plus side, i did smoke a joint with my dad last week.  he passed his one-hitter down to me.  probably the best night i’ve had in awhile, and it only lasted maybe 45 minutes.

DAY 9: June 9th, 2008 (Denver, CO at 3 Kings Tavern, 21+)

we woke up i and checked out of our hotel.  i was shaving with an electric razor out front while the guys were bringing the van around and i stupidly opened it and lost one of the razors in the bushes.  there goes that purchase, and half my face was still unshaven (not that you could tell).

we headed off to best buy to get the cd player and speakers looked at.  the dude said it would be about $70, which logan offered to front, but after talking to the technician in the garage about weed for a good 15 minutes he decided to give it to us for a mere $19.  logan said something to the effect of “this is the only time i’ve been glad that you guys are potheads.”  see, drugs aren’t all bad.

after this we parked the van in a pay lot downtown, got high (well trevor and i) and headed down to the denver aquarium to see some sweet sealife.  i bought some overpriced minnows and fed the stingrays which was crazy.  it feels like they are biting you, but its just some really intense suction from their little mouths.  one of the bigger ones was close to jumping out of the tank because he was so hungry.  the others were swarming around my hand in the water.  it was pretty wild.

we then ate at a local bar/burrito joint called illegal petes, which is a fantastic establishment.  i would move to denver just for that restaurant.  we chilled in a park and hit up a strip club briefly.  i ordered a makers mark for some dumb reason and spent all the money i had in my wallet at the time.  after that we headed off to the 3 kings to play.  cool bar, not too packed since it was monday but the bartenders were nice.  they had a green room that allowed smoking (since the bar was smoke free) and had an orange “snick” style couch with countless band promo shots plastered to the walls.  i gave the bartender a shirt and cd for free and she gave me a 3 kings tshirt and a shot of colorado whiskey.  we ended up getting free drinks all night and we were the only band, so needless to say i got way too drunk.  i declared my love for one of the bartenders (who were in their underwear i neglected to mention) and played decently for my level of intoxication.  after packing up (which i didnt help with at all since i was wasted) i dont remember much, other than us deciding to stay at the same hotel that night (we even got the same room).  i passed out after raiding the shop downstairs for some mac n cheese and an ice cream treat.