(aside from the cheesy gordita crunch being the deal of the month, priced at $1.49. pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good deal.)

after working last night, i dove headfirst into a fresh sack of birthdayweed. as 2am approached, trevor and i decided that it was imperative that we make a Bell run. after all, as stated above in the subtitle, the almighty gordita crunch WAS on sale. “fuck yeah,” i thought, “time to gorge myself.” i was still pretty full from the monstrous burrito from Qdoba i had treated myself to earlier at work.

as we entered the parking lot it was time to make the “dine in/to go” decision. it was close to 2am, closing time, and we were high as a couple of stoned astronauts, but i’d be damned if i was going to eat my gordita crunch cold! we settle on option 1. other than the obvious employee cars parked further away from the entrance, i saw one lone car. it was an audi, expensive and new-looking, so i figured there would be maybe some rich high school kids.

i was delighted to see that i was wrong.

the audi occupants were sitting there, and they were 3 well-dressed women (and one frumpy looking one in overalls), easily in their late 40’s or early 50’s. i later learned that they were indeed aged 50+, but i’ll get to that. these uproarious cougars were shit hammered. shit hammered and enjoying some TB at 1:45 in the morning on friday night. this, was awesome. i immediately activated the video function on my phone and pressed record. i haven’t developed an inconspicuous way of recording strangers yet so i just pointed it at the ground in an attempt to capture the audio of their conversation. if there is a way to upload phone video to tumblr then i may try to post one of them, as out of 4 videos i took the audio was clear enough on just 1.

i couldn’t tell what they were discussing but i could hear the slurs and over-enunciation. after we ordered our food (2 g-crunch, 1 fiesta potato, no sour cream) i stood at the condiment station, still taking video since i was now right next to their table. i heard the unmistakable hiss of the outside door opening. at that moment, in walked a second group of drunk cougars, these ones in their 30’s or 40’s. if the implication wasn’t clear, this group was seperate from the first group! so there i was, in an environment typically populated with college and high school kids at this time of night, but instead containing not one, but TWO groups of adults nearly as old as my parents, and they were drunk. i never knew Taco Bell could bridge the generation gap like that, people of all ages truly do get the Fourthmeal cravings!

this 2nd group was accompanied by two men, one of which entered the building doing what i can only describe as the corny “what, what!” dance. the one where you strut a little and “raise the roof” with your arms. he was screaming “whoop, whoop!” as well. the lead female, when prompted for her order, without hesitation answered “i need a chili cheese burrito.” this was certainly not this woman’s first late night Taco Bell excursion, she was a pro and knew immediately what her drunk stomach wanted. even i have trouble deciding in the heat of a whiskey fueled food binge. she followed that up with “and brandon! i need a brandon. brandon’s not on the menu!” her cougar followers echoed her comment and added “brandon’s not here!” at that moment, the dancing guy turned around and looked past me, noticing the first group of older women. i watched the man-gears in his brain turn as he raised an eyebrow and whistled in their direction. the thing is, instead of the classic “woah, babes!” whistle you’d normally hear (high note to lower note, slight rhythm), he did the shorter version, the one that you might use when trying to get a dog’s attention (but same two notes, does that make sense?). this was hilarious to me. suddenly the conversations merged, and switched to the topic of boxers, briefs, or commando. a shouting match of everyone’s preference ensued, and ended with the drunk redhead from the 2nd party asking “what’s commando?” and everyone in unison shouting “wearing nothing at all!”

laughter broke out. i was laughing. i was in the middle of it all. the 2nd party wondered where so&so and whatsherface were, and the dancing guy replied by pelvic thrusting the air, smirking, and suggesting that that’s what some of the other women would be doing very soon. meanwhile, the first party was still talking about underwear for some reason, and shouting (i think) to the other man in the 2nd party to give them a show.

“give us a show, give us a show!”

“ha-ha!”

“we’ll clap!”

“oh we’re fifty, we don’t give a damn!”

more laughter. i eventually got my food, and sat down and continued to observe while also conveying to trevor how much my mind had been blown. the only other noteworthy occurrence was the redhead walking up to the counter and saying “can i order a caramel appletini?” she reminded me of Meredith from the Office, which made the comment even more funny. an employee eventually took a dollar from her, so i assume she meant caramel apple empanada.

the first party left. we finished our food and left the building and saw a black hummer limousine parked in the lot, further confirming that these were indeed two separate parties of wasted adults. for a brief moment inside we wondered if they were perhaps part of the same wedding party and chose to sit apart, but they weren’t dressed in wedding attire. party 1 looked very nice, dare i say near-elegant save for frumpy, while party 2 looked like they just left Mr. G’s. the whole situation really defies description, truly one of those “had to be there” moments but i wanted to at least try to document the experience. half as an anecdote, half so i can remember it later.

i had a busy and slightly stressful week at school leading up to this weekend, and i think sometimes the universe decides to reward you in mysterious ways.